I am a human being, yet many times I am made to feel like I am nothing more than a meat bag, an incubator or an easy bake oven waiting to be used. As if my whole identity is tied in with my ability to procreate. If I do want kids then I surely must not care about my career. If I don’t want kids then I must be selfish.

I don’t want to be told what to do. I know what’s best for me, or even if I don’t, I will figure it out. I really don’t need opinions on what I should or shouldn’t do.
If you have ever told a woman what she should or shouldn’t do with her body or how she should live her life. FUCK YOU.

If a woman decides to have children she shouldn’t be expected to put her career on hold. If she decides not to, don’t judge her and ask her crap like, “what will you do when you are old?” Gee, I don’t know, get a lot of cats, train them to be ninja warriors and set them after you for asking me dumbass questions and wasting my time?

Why do we only ask women about how long of a mat leave they are going to take? Why do we badger them with questions about their offspring? Why not men? Ask them how long of a pat leave they are going to take instead. Why should a woman be solely responsible for taking care of a child that two people helped create? Because it is her lot in life? FUCK YOU.

Why do we suddenly impose certain stereotypes on women as soon as they become pregnant. CHILL OUT, they are fucking pregnant not dead.

Why do we constantly pressure women into having families. The clock is ticking… TICK TOCK. TICK TOCK. Freeze your eggs, do this, do that… WHY? Has it ever occurred to you that some of us might not want to?

Why do we view pregnant women as JUST that… pregnant and nothing else? She hustled before she was pregnant, what makes you think her career won’t be important to her once she gives birth. Oh because she will fall in love with the child, realize she doesn’t want to do anything with her life except stare at her kid 24/7? I suppose some people do want to be stay at home moms but not all. So FUCK YOU for assuming that everyone is the same.

Why do we label women who choose not to have kids as selfish or sad? WHY? Why have you taken it upon yourself to morally police them?

But wait, you are a woman, it is your lot in life to first go through 9 months of being an incubator and then give up everything. Oh you know because that’s what nature intended and because your great great great grandmother was a housewife, you should do the same cause women obviously can’t have it all. DUH. We shouldn’t get any ideas in our pretty little heads 🙂

Even if you don’t want kids, surely you must want to get married and be in the kitchen, because that’s your rightful place!

STOP FUCKING TELLING WOMEN WHAT TO DO. If they want to have children let them, if they don’t want to then let them as well. Bottom line mind your own fucking business.

I’ve tried to start this post multiple times and though what I want to write is crystal clear in my head, I am having a lot of difficulty getting it out.

Here is attempt number 27

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I’d like to take you all on a trip down memory lane, circa 2006 – 2007, where it all began. It was my 1st year of university. I, like many others, was terribly excited to be an adult… well I was more excited to be living on my own for the first time in my life.

Oh to be young and foolish and to think that you are living without rules.

I know first year of university can be intimidating, what with having to form new friendships and the freshmen 15. I was prepared for all of that, I joined the hall committee and made friends pretty quickly, I stuck to my exercise routine and lost weight… take that freshmen 15!

What I wasn’t prepared for was being bullied at the age of 19.

Now, this wasn’t my first rodeo. I had been bullied before when I broke my front tooth after a fall and was labelled the fucking gremlin demon child but even that didn’t prep me for what lay ahead.

It comprised of emotional & verbal abuse, coupled with sexual harassment + a dose of slut shaming.

I would receive texts from random folks telling me that they wanted to feel me up or have sex with me just like my boyfriend does. Not that it was anyone’s business but I didn’t even have sex. -_-

On another instance, guy #1 stored his number under my name in guy #2’s phone and sent him misleading texts all week. And then guy #2 got mad at me and called me names. What the actual fuck?

My personal emails to my then boyfriend were circulated amongst people who got their jollies off watching other people be humiliated.

People who didn’t even know me, called me names for no good reason except that they heard it somewhere. A guy whom I scarcely knew, met me and his first words to me were, “wow you are not like who they say you are.”

What did it do to me?

My 19 year old brain was unable to deal with all of this shit and as a result I tried to kill myself on multiple occasions and was put on suicide watch. My therapist told me to report the bullies and get them suspended but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. What the fuck was wrong with me?

I wish I could say that I was strong enough to deal with all of this and I didn’t give a fuck about what people said about me. But I did.

I lived in constant fear of my bullies spotting me across the campus and making fun of me in front of everyone. I would regularly faint and have dizzy spells because it was extremely stressful to just go on living.

To be honest, I don’t remember exactly who all of the aggressors were, there were a few key people but there were also many bystanders, who joined in the festivities. Fuck all of y’all.

The whole situation brought out the worst in me. I was a mess, physically & emotionally. I neglected friendships, school and myself. And stayed in a toxic relationship I should have ended many years ago.

So why am I talking about this now?

An email that came in earlier this year got me thinking about this all over again. Here is an excerpt:

I have waited for this apology for years and I thought it would make me feel better but in fact it only served to make me feel worse. Because now I feel validated that all of it – every single second of it – did in fact happen.

I wasn’t imagining it, it wasn’t all in my head but was in fact a very real part of my existence.

It took me 10 years to get over all of this. If you think I am playing the victim, fuck you. It was the fear of victimizing myself that led me to keep quiet for 10 fucking god damned years.

To the people who will tell me it has been 10 years let it rest, move on. Do you have any idea what it did to me? The bullies may have moved on with their lives because to them I was probably this sad girl who deserved being made fun of but the pain they caused me continues to feed my PTSD.

It took 10 years, a loving husband, an understanding family and moving several continents away to dull the pain.

Would I do anything differently if I had the chance? 

I really hope I would. I wish someone talked to me about this and how to deal with bullying. We like to pretend that if we don’t pay it any mind, bad things will go away.

I would try to form a better support system around me. I didn’t share all of this with anyone for years because I felt so ashamed of myself.

I know I can’t turn back time but when I do have a child, I want to tell them to be true to who they are and not let anyone bring them down. To stand up for themselves instead of being scared of losing “friends” and that real friends will never put you through this kind of mental torture.

What I want to come out of talking about this

If you have ever been bullied or are being bullied, talk about it, get support from your family and friends. Don’t feel ashamed, it is NOT your fault.

There is a lot going on right now. I could go on and on forever but in short, life is happening at an unexpected pace.

I am trying to read as much as I can, as often as possible, but sometimes life gets in the way. My reading list has definitely become more interesting and diverse than I was expecting it to be.

We ( C & I) also took our first ever trip to Winnipeg! Which was a lot of fun. We met lots of family and got some well deserved down time – well as much downtime you can actually get on a vacation.

I feel like vacations exhaust me. I come back feeling really tired instead of recharged. Anyone else feel me?
We got back on Wednesday night, I worked from home on Thursday and have basically been watching Sex and the City movies to really relax. I feel like I might take a week long stay-cation at the end of the year.

Well that’s it from me for now. Chat soon.

Mood: It is so freaking gloomy outside and I am currently a sugar monster who will eat anything sweet in her way. I know I did the How I Quit Sugar post but I am allowed sugar when my uterus is being stabbed from the inside. 

I am jumping on a challenge bandwagon and blogging along with Jeff Goins on his 7 day blog like a pro challenge.

I have been a blogger – whatever that means  blogging since 2004 but have trouble doing it consistently because – let’s be real here – life gets in the way and I have to pay my bills.

The first assignment for the challenge is to create a manifesto. So here goes;

Thought process

Nothing really grinds my gears enough for me to complain / rant about it.

It hasn’t always been this way.

I used to complain all the time but I am generally really happy these days and nothing really bothers me anymore. Wait… I am either really happy or really bored.

Alright, does a manifesto really have to be angry? How about I write a happy manifesto? or a manifesto about happiness?

Ria’s guide to happiness or Happiness Manifesto

1. Myth – you have to stop wanting more in order to be truly happy.
   LOL what a load of BS! you don’t have to strive for lesser to be happy. YOU DO YOU BOO! keep working on yourself, your life, your happiness and don’t settle….or settle if that makes YOU happy.
2. Love yourself
   This is such generic advice but it happens to work.

   SO what does it even mean?Don’t blame yourself for everything that goes wrong.
   I get it, a lot of us hate our own bodies. Tell your body you love it and then focus on putting some nutritious shit into it and see magic happen.

3. Invest in yourself
   I am not encouraging people to be materialistic – it can be an emotional investment. Take a stroll every day to just be with yourself.
4. When life gives you lemons, don’t accept them cause lemonade isn’t on the menu today (OR EVER).I hate it when people want me to make freaking lemonade – I don’t even like lemonade.
5. Don’t focus on making everyone like you
   Not everyone is going to like you. SO WHAT?
   This is one of the things that I had a lot of trouble coming to terms with because I wanted everyone to like me but that just made me unhappier.

That’s all folks!

 

Last year, we lost both my paternal grandpa to cancer and grandma to a stroke within two months of each other. I didn’t cry. I didn’t grieve.

I was too busy.

Too busy to take the time to mourn or celebrate the life of my grandparents.

I was working my ass off to make them proud, to live up to my family name and it didn’t even occur to me that I should take the day off to be with my parents and family because you know I am all about that #hustle (seriously wtf)

Then something happened last week.

David Bowie died.

People around the world took the time to talk about his passing and I felt like my beating heart had been ripped out of my chest.

I didn’t understand it at first. I love his music but I had never met this man in real life or seen him perform live but I felt so incredibly sad. For a week I walked around like a zombie, what was this feeling?

And then it dawned on me, I was finally, after a year, coming to terms with my grandparents passing. I was mourning the time I didn’t take to say goodbye to them and all the calls I missed when they wanted to talk to me because I was oh so god damned busy.

I am sad about Bowie but I am also grateful for the realization albeit late.

Rest in peace Bowie. I hope his family and loved ones find peace. Thank you for your music.